Right now is a fantastical time for football fans. It’s the World Cup 2018! OMG World Cup 2018 who couldn’t be excited? Well as it turns out, there’s a few of us. I’ve never been into football so the frenzy of national pride about the possibility of winning enough games of kicky ball to be the ultimate kicky ball champion has never even slightly appealed to me. But we’re still in amongst all the fervour. The internet is full of it, the telly is full of it and it’s emblazoned across fizzy drink labels, buses, shop windows. It’s everywhere.
So what can we non-kicky ball types do to get through this with our sanity intact? Well it turns out all the stuff we used to do is all mostly still there amongst all the ten foot high posters of millionaires running around a field. So you can still do all the stuff you like, it’s just hard to see through the jumble sometimes.
That’s right! Trusty old videogames are still there. Whether you choose to raid your existing library or pick up something new, videogames will never let you down (except if you need to use online servers, those things go down more often than *insert crude sex joke here* *pause for laugh*). Those who play their games on PC may not have noticed that Steam have kicked off (football pun) their annual Summer Sale. This years it’s called The Intergalactic Summer Sale and comes with a neat little ‘Saliens’ minigame that you can play to enter a draw for more free games!
If nothing takes your fancy then Humble Bundle also have a sale on at the moment with their Flight Sale that sees loads of top flight sims and air combat titles reduced by up to 80%
For those of you that are partial to an evening on Fortnite, that’s still alive & kicking (football pun) although it hasn’t escaped the World Cup entirely with some decidedly kicky ball-style outfits available in the in-game store and the game has recently acquired a huge football stadium. Luckily no-one really uses it for football and the only penalty is death! If you still fancy a go check out our analysis of the basics here.
So it turns out there’s other stuff you can do on grass besides kick a ball along it for money. You can also sit on it, walk around on it, you can even have a picnic. If football isn’t your thing but you’re still sporty then there are a whole bunch of other sports that use grass like golf, tennis and oversized park backgammon.
If grass isn’t your thing then why not try going to the woods. It has the double benefit of allowing you to honestly say you’ve been outside but still shields you from the merciless gaze of earth’s unforgiving sun. As a confirmed indoorsman myself I know only too well the trouble that those of us with fair complexions can experience in the big blue room, not to mention the effort our flame-haired brothers and sisters have to put in to keeping themselves from crisping up like a pork scratching.
Outside is also where the pollen is. Nature is not kind to those of us with pollen allergies and hayfever is waiting to assault many of us as soon as we leave the house, sometimes even before we leave the house. As a rule of thumb you shouldn’t buy drugs on the internet but if you haven’t stocked up recently, here’s a (shameless) link to some hayfever relief on Amazon, including this weird thing that I think you stick to your face.
Tell everyone how much you hate World Cup 2018
This is a very satisfying one and it helps to start some pretty intense conversations amongst the football community! Social media is a great place to air your opinions on all sorts of stuff that doesn’t really matter and this is no different. By no means should you take on the role of an internet troll, but maybe some of those pro-football sorts currently enjoying their game would like to talk about if footballers really need to earn millions and millions of pounds for what is essentially a rather grandiose-yet-tiring way to waste ninety minutes.
Alternatively, try to find a group of like minded individuals who also don’t like World Cup 2018 and have dynamic discussions about all the things that the money could have been spent on instead or perhaps the human rights record of the host nation? Just let your imagination run free.
Another way to tell everyone how much you hate World Cup 2018 is to write a blog post about how much you hate World Cup 2018 and post it online. I wouldn’t recommend this one too strongly as it would compete directly with this one and that would make me sad.
Watch literally anything else
So, millionaire kickabout may be dominating the TV schedules but luckily it’s 2018 and we have all sorts of ways to consume content that mean we don’t have to rely on tv networks to tell us what’s worth watching. We can also rely on digital content providers to do it!
if Amazon Prime is more your deal, you can also watch films that Johnny Depp wishes he never made or an adorable Japanese cartoon about kitten adventures.
Read a book
Books are still a thing! If you have any books in your house now is the time to crack one of them open and see what’s inside. If you don’t have any then why not trundle down to your local library. They’ll let you take books away and you only have to pay money if you totally forget to bring them back. Even then the people inside are usually really nice and won’t judge you for keeping the large print edition of Goblet of Fire for 3 months.
Do be warned though, some books are about football. these are usually clearly identified by the pictures on the front which are either of a man kicking a ball or a much older man in a heavy coat staring into the distance.
So there’s five really simple ways you can avoid football altogether until we inevitably get eliminated in the semi-finals and everyone sort of loses interest. I hope this has been of some use. If you can think of any other ways to ignore international football then please let me know in the comments below.
Disclaimer: This post is peppered with affiliate links. They’re quite easy to spot, especially if it’s to something to buy. Just so you’re aware.